Tvoja soba...
Milion puta sam pokušala da napišem priču o tebi... Jednu, običnu ljubavnu stvar. Samo par redova... Počinjala, švrljala i brisala. I sve bi se završavalo neuspehom... A toliko toga sam imala za reći. Možda te nisam volela... A možda sam te, naprotiv, previše volela da bi olovka i parče papira bili dovoljni da prikažem stanje moje duše, moja osećanja... Ko će ga znati?
Danas, nakon toliko vremena , reči su same krenule. Otvorila sam svoje srce i konačno provirila u njega. Slagala bih kad bih rekla da te nisam pronašla u jednom prašnjavom uglu. Gledala sam u tvoje oči, pokušavajući da pronađem bar jedan razlog zbog kog sam te nekad volela. Bila mi je tek sedamnaesta, bila sam klinka i možda nisam razlikovala privlačnost i strast, opsesiju i požudu, opčinjenost i ljubav. Nekad je pojam svet za mene bila tvoja soba, ili kao što bi to otpevao Zijo, kojeg sam toliko puta citirala "Subota uveče, čaša vina, tvoja soba - sveta kraj..." Osećam tup bol u grudima. Ne, dragi moj, nisi to ti probudio u meni one stare osećaje, to su samo uspomene podsetile na moje nekadašnje uzaludno bežanje od realnosti, na udarce koje sam sama sebi zadavala.
Prelazim prstima preko starih knjiga sećanja... Sklapam oči i tu sam opet, naslonjena na zid tvoje sobe. Na stolu paklo Marlbora, flaša crnog vina i čaše. Sa kompa čujem Galiju, a prozor je kao uvek otvoren. I mi... Dvoje bez budućnosti... Osećam tvoje prste u mojoj kosi, tvoj dah na koži. Milion puta u glavi premotavala sam taj trenutak kada si tiho izgovorio da me voliš, da ne umeš živeti bez mog Dobjo jutlo... I sad se pitam da li sam tada u tvom oku zaista videla suzu? Nikad neću znati... Osećam kako sve više tonem u tvoj zagraljaj... Ceo svet na jednom jastuku... Kakva laž... Laž koju sam sama kreirala, laž u kojoj sam živela dugih, predugih godinu dana... Gubila sam se u toj skrivenoj ljubavi, kao barka u moru tužnih i prokletih... Da, to sam bila, prokleta... Kao što prosjak pruža ruke za komad hleba, tako sam i ja pružala ruke ne bili mi udelio mrvu tvog prisustva, tvog dodira. A o tebi nisam znala ništa... Samo tvoje ime, boju tvojih očiju i broj tvojih godina... Ah, opet taj isti osećaj bola u meni... Kad se samo setim onih noći kada sam plakala zbog razlike između nas. Zbog zidova dugih devet godina... Stajala sam pred njima, krhka i nemoćna, vrištala, dozivala, ali niko me nije čuo...A ti jediono što si znao je da odlaziš i da se ne javljaš danima. A onda bi se isto tako nenadano vraćao.A ja sam za sve krivila sebe. Ljubila, varala, lagala i bez imalo srama i stida ostavljala... Prodavala sam svoje poljupce za malo osećanja pripadnosti nekome. Htela sam da me vole, a ja da gazim po njima, kao ti po meni... I opet bih utrčavala u tvoju sobu i davala ti svoju dušu da je kidaš...
Hajde kaži pošteno, sad posle svega, da li si bio vredan toga, da li sam to zaslužila? Gotovo je, sad je kasno za kajanje. Vrati se svojoj muzici, zapali cigaretu i otvori prozor. Ne, nema potrebe da me pratiš, sama ću izaći. Vrata za mnom zaključaj. Neću se vratiti u tvoju sobu više nikada. Vraćam se svojoj gomili običnih i prokletih... A svi smo mi rođeni 198... I neke, zar ne matori?
@Bolodmarcipana, shvatam te u potpunosti... Imala sam slicnu situaciju... Lepo je secati se, jer se i ja stalno secam nekih trenutaka koji se jednostavno ne mogu izbrisati, ali vreme je da kutiju secanja zakljucas, a kljuc bacis, krenes dalje i otvoris vrata nekoj novoj ljubavi... Veruj mi, tako je najbolje, govorim ti iz iskustva... Samo glavu gore, dozvoli da tvoje srce ugleda novo jutro koje je pred tobom, koje ti donosi pregrst lepih i divnih osecanja, sa osobom koja te zasluzuje i koja ce shvatiti kolika je tvoja vrednost...
Andrijana,dete,svakog dana u svakom pogledu sve vise napredujes...Bravo.
Bolodmarcipana,ti najbolje znas da li je sve to bilo uzalud..prosla si sta si prosla, ako si shvatila da je greska ne vracaj se nikad vise, samo ces produzavati bol nepotrebno, i ne trazi ljude koje ces povredjivati ,nadji nekog kog ces da volis a i on tebe sve ce biti mnogo lepse
Casper, hvala na komplimentu! Bolodmarcipana, poslusaj Casper i mene i uspeces sigurno!
Vec sam se jednom uverila u istinitost casperovih saveta... Tako da i sada mogu da kažem samo jedno VEEELIKO HVALA.... Ljubim vas:D
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